Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
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