I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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