If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
