yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
