It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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