why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
