Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
