I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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