the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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