Tell her she can't have a vagina
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
