Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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