"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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