Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize