Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
