I seem to have left my pride at pride
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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