i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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