i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
