Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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