I hope mine doesn't look like that
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
