and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
