I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
