this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
