Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
