my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
it glows. i had to have it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
