My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
