I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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