Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
