Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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