theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
