Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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