I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
