apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
