Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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