Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
