the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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