the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
