So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
