i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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