I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
