cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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