Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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