The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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