Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
