She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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