Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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