Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
