Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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