Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
