It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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