I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
