Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
