im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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