I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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