This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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