I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Randomize
