allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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