I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
