Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
