It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
