Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
